Back To The Hoe Tell

December 30, 2008

matt-goias-hotel-keys

(Originally Published In Mass Appeal Magazine)

While writing my literary classic  “Fear And Loathing On The Campaign Trail ‘72”, I began my long running, love-hate relationship with hotels. Researching a novel, traveling around, and checking into hotel after hotel can be grueling and the process certainly wears a hole in your mind, body and soul. I was trying to deconstruct the 1972 campaigns of idealist George McGovern and political hack Richard Nixon, and I ended up with a political vision that was eerily prophetic. With the same drug-addled alacrity and jaundiced wit that made my other books so amazing, in this piece, I turned my savage eye and gonzo heart to the repellent and seductive race for President. Also, during this process, I became quite the hotel connoisseur.


Between researching my best selling books, touring with my critically acclaimed girl group, countless eviction notices, lurid affairs with People Magazine’s best dressed list, and knock em down, drag em out fights with wifey, I spend an extraordinary amount of time in the world’s finest (and not so fine) hotels.

Boning in hotels is fun. The bed is usually more comfortable than the one you got in your shitty ass Williamsburg apartment when you left off that last “s” for savings, and you can make as much of a sweaty mess as possible without having to think about cleaning the sheets. Room service can bring liquor right to your door and, in a pinch, a well stocked mini-bar will do the trick of helping you trick your trick into swallowing some … mini bar liquor. Any way you cut it, sex in hotels is awesome.

Here is a short list of some of the best US hotels for doing it.

 

BEST HOTEL FOR AN AFFAIR

 Cosmopolitan Hotel – It pains me to even write about this place cause this has always been my top secret get-over spot. Okay fuck it …  I’ll let the cat out of the bag… Not the coolest hotel in the world by any means but here is a decent, clean hotel smack dab in the middle of Tribeca (Corner of Chambers and West Broadway) with rates starting at $85 per night. No room service but the deli across the street delivers and the deli’s number is 212-964-4283. YOUR WELCOME!!!

Cosmopolitan Hotel-Tribeca

95 W Broadway

New York, NY 10007

(212) 566-1900


BEST HOTELS TO IMPRESS WIFEY

 The Pierre – This is probably one of THE finest hotels in the world. Period. This is where you bring wifey when you done fucked up big time or if you’re trying to propose to her or some insane, stupid shit like that. You have to be a horse of a larger William if you stay here … get a central park-view suite. If you’re doing The Pierre, you gotta do it big. The Rotunda is one of the most beautiful rooms in the city. Stay here and you will get laid. End of story.

The Pierre New York, A Taj Hotel

2 East 61st Street at 5th Avenue

New York, NY 10021 USA

(212) 838-8000

 

The Carlyle – Not all of the rooms in this glamorous classic are super-impressive and , like The Plaza, the hallways have an old-people / nursing home smell. Still, this spot is undoubtedly a joint. If you can afford it, the suites are insane although, as I mentioned, a little old-people-ish. More impressive than the  rooms however, is the beyond-romantic Bemelmans’ Bar. Regardless of if you stay here or not, definitely definitely, at some point, take a special someone to this spot. It’s one of the most ridiculous rooms in New York City. Very cozy and romantic. You’ll feel just like rich people there. Plus, the murals on the wall were all done by Ludwig Bemelmans of Madeline fame

The Carlyle

35 East 76th Street

New York, NY 10021

(212) 744-1600

 

BEST HOTEL TO FALL IN LOVE

The Raleigh – A truly magical place, The Raleigh pool is maybe my number one most beloved geographical location in the world. Fuck The Delano, that’s for Israeli guidos and the plastic surgery disasters trying to fuck them. Fuck The Shore Club, that place just plain sucks. If you’re a baller baller, you stay at The Raleigh. Don’t ask me, ask Robert DeNiro, Sharon Stone, Anna Wintour and a bunch of other people that are way, way better as human beings than you. I swear this place is haunted with friendly ghosts. Go here now.

The Raleigh

1775 Collins Ave

Miami Beach, FL 33139

(305) 534.6300

 

HOTEL WHERE YOU’RE MOST LIKELY TO BANG A COCKTAIL WAITRESS

 The Standard Hollywood / The Downtown Standard – Another Andre Belazs creation, The Standard Hollywood (And the downtown one too) is a very well-designed, moderately priced LA haunt for the young, urban sophisticate. A little too much of a party atmosphere for me in my old age (I graduated to The Chateau a few years ago) but the waitresses are hot and I have probably banged, no shit, like ten in the years that I have stayed there while visiting LA. There is a really good chance that you can pick up a cocktail waitress here (If your game is tight like mines) and bring her to your room. Take your pick, they’re all cute as hell.

 The Standard Hollywood

8300 Sunset Blvd

Hollywood, CA 90069

(323) 650.9090

 

 The Standard Downtown LA

550 South Flower Street

Los Angeles, CA 90071

(213) 892.8080

 

 

BEST HOTEL TO BANG A MOVIESTAR

 The Chateau Marmont – If you stay here, you will be dining and sunning next to the most famous people on the planet. Fuck, I stayed here a few weeks ago and I saw Ryan Seacrest and Christopher Lloyd ON THE SAME DAY!!! The bad thing about staying here is that you may get clowned when Brad Pitt grabs the lounge chair next to you at the pool. Good luck looking cool then, playboy! (I have an awesome, Chateau Marmont Lindsay Lohan story. If you see me, remind me to tell you)

 Chateau Marmont

8221 Sunset Blvd

Hollywood, CA 90046

(323) 656.1010

 

BEST SEXY MINI-BAR ITEM

 Hotel Gansevoort – The “Intimacy Kit” in hotel mini-bars usually contains two condoms, a ketchup packet of lubrication, and a couple of baby wipes. The “Intimacy Kit” at Hotel Gansevoort contains all those items plus a discreet, mini, pocket rocket vibrator. Batteries included and ready for her pleasure. It’s only 20 bucks too, which, by mini-bar standards, is quite reasonable.

 Hotel Gansevoort

18 9th Ave (at 13th Street)

New York, NY 10014

(212) 206.6700


BEST POOL ACTION

The Hard Rock Hotel and Casino – The Raleigh may be the most romantic pool in the US but for pure, hardcore, slut action, the Hard Rock pool is the intergalactic nexus of big-boobed, porno lookin’ hoes. If you can’t get laid here, I don’t even know what to tell you.

 The Hard Rock Hotel and Casino

Paradise Road

Las Vegas, NV

 (800) 473.7675

 

BEST HOTEL FOR BANGING PROJECT HOES

 The Galaxy Motel – This is The Milford Plaza of Brooklyn. Right, dead in the center of East New York. Ghetto pass required for check-in.

 The Galaxy Motel

852 Pennsylvania Ave

Brooklyn, NY 11207

(718) 649-4800

 

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Maids You Most Want To Bone: The Standard Hotels

Best Homemade Raspberry Gumdrops At Front Desk: Grand Hotel – Stockholm, Sweden

Best Hotel To Bang A Rich Skier/Snowboarder: Amangani Resort – Jackson Hole, Wyoming

Best Room Service Item / Food EVER: Watermelon Baby Back Ribs – Hard Rock Hotel And Casino – Las Vegas, NV

Best Hotel For Banging Bored, Mega-Rich Wives Who Drink While Their Husband Is Banging A Twenty Something Austrian Ski Instructor: The Little Nell – Aspen, Colorado

 

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